I swear I spotted Gumby
eating al fresco at
Cliff’s Dive Bar & Grill
Last I knew he was
packed inside a box
in transit from Columbus
to Cedar Rapids
Upon retelling my story
I was rudely informed
what I probably saw
was an alien figment
of my own imagination
may two thousand twenty-five
copyright j matthew waters
all rights reserved
when we arrived at the party
Jerry put me in charge of the ice
I said yeah sure whatever
I strolled into the kitchen
to survey the situation
only to discover some two-bit actor
guarding the ice
hello I said to her
how’s the ice situation here
it’s cool she said it’s cool
but if you want some you can’t get any
why’s that I asked
I don’t know she replied
but it’s what Jerry wants
february two thousand twenty-four
copyright j matthew waters
all rights reserved
when the terrorists moved in down the
street the other week
I worried nonstop for the safety of my children
and my two thousand twelve chevrolet
since moving in they’d been stockpiling
weapons in the two-car garage
when I called the police
they said there was nothing they could do
they’re living here legally
they said
and they’ve purchased the necessary
ammunition stamps
pausing with phone in hand
I stood looking out the bay window
watched the registered sex offender
(across the street and two doors down)
jump in his sports car and race away
my hands by my side I could barely hear the
officer on the other end repeatedly asking
hello hello hello
august two thousand fourteen
copyright j matthew waters
all rights reserved
The sow was insane
doing what she did
to the little girl
while six piglets
stood by her side.
Given a public defender
the pig was dressed
in man’s clothes
and escorted
to the courthouse.
Witness after witness
described the horror
in which the animal
tore into the child
for no good reason.
In her defense
the accused cried
on the witness stand
as her six piglets
suckled away.
Quick justice found
the defendant guilty
sentenced to hang
in the city square
on the taxpayer’s dime.
may two thousand twelve
copyright j matthew waters
all rights reserved
Based on a true story.
For more information google “1386 pig hanging”
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